A few weeks ago, after a long day at a conference, I landed up at the post-event dinner. I was still deciding whether I was hungry enough for a second helping when I ran into someone I vaguely knew from a few years ago.

He smiled, asked what I was working on these days. I began answering. I didn’t get past sentence one before he jumped in to tell me about his new role, which somehow became a story about a recent Singapore trip, which then leapt to his son applying to college, and for some reason concluded with recommendations for a new fitness tracker.

I just stood there listening, trying to piece together how we travelled from “How are you” to fitness tracker reviews in under five minutes.

At some point, I realised he hadn’t actually been waiting for my answer. The question was only a doorway back to whatever he wanted to share.

Welcome to boomerasking – a social habit that feels like connection on the surface, but is actually self-focus masked as curiosity.

The boomerask has a simple structure: Ask a question → Receive without responding → Redirect to yourself. It’s a gesture that looks like interest, but doesn’t feel like it. Harvard Business School professor Alison Brooks explains why:

When someone asks us a question like, ‘How was your weekend?’ we are hoping that they really do care. Then, if we go to the trouble of sharing about ourselves and the other person doesn’t follow up, it undermines those perceptions.

So this week, let’s explore boomerasking. How does it show up at the workplace and affect your relationships? And if you’re the boomerasker in your team, how can you break the habit?

Brooks’ research finds that boomerasking has very real repercussions. Those on the receiving end of it often come away questioning the boomerasker’s motives – when what seemed like an effort to engage turns out to be a pretext for the person to brag or vent.

According to one study, 83% of boomeraskers think they’re making a good impression by starting with a question – but this strategy clearly backfires, with recipients reporting these exchanges to be less pleasant and less sincere. It’s a good reminder that the intent behind our communication doesn’t always match its impact. As Books points out:

When people commit the boomerask, they think they are being smooth and showing interest in the other person, but it just seems insincere.

The negative effects of boomerasking cut across contexts. Whether at a party, a date or the office, people simply don’t like those who ask questions only as an excuse to talk about themselves.

The professional cost

In work settings, the consequences compound. When team members regularly boomerask, their colleagues feel unheard and view them as self-serving, which can chip away at trust and morale. Over time, people become less enthusiastic about working with known boomeraskers.

Even worse is when this habit plays out in meetings. Think of managers who ask for input, then immediately pivot to what they already intended to say. As Brooks notes, people attend meetings “to take advantage of the hive mind” – to learn, to contribute and to feel heard. Boomerasking short-circuits all three.

Three types of boomerasks are generally seen at the workplace:

• Ask-Bragging. A question designed to tee up a personal triumph. (“How’s your project going? Mine just got fast-tracked by the VP.”)
• Ask-Complaining. A question leading straight to a rant. (“How’s it working with Rohit? Because I’m losing my mind over his emails.”)
• Ask-Sharing. A question that sets up the asker to talk about themselves. (“What are you working on? I’m busy with such-and-such this week.”)

None of these interactions is terrible on its own – but repeated often enough, they earn the boomerasker a reputation for being insincere, self-absorbed and unlikeable.

In contrast, many successful, well-liked managers learn to avoid this habit. They demonstrate genuine interest by asking with curiosity, listening with attention and responding with thoughtfulness. Their questions aren’t performative but purposeful.

Why do we hijack the question?

Annoying as it may be, boomerasking rarely has any malice behind it. People don’t do it to make others feel ignored or humiliated – they do it because they’re thoughtless and maybe a little self-centred. Perhaps they want to share something but can’t bring themselves to be direct about it. As an article in Psychology Today explains:

People boomerask to try to make conversations feel fairer and more balanced. They think it will make the person they’re talking to feel more involved in the conversation, but the opposite is true.

This conversational quirk is more common than you might think. Over 90% of respondents in Brooks’ study admitted to boomerasking at least occasionally. Which is why it’s worth asking yourself: Am I a serial boomerasker?

• Do I ask questions only because I want to answer them myself?
• Do I let the other person just chime in briefly before directing the conversation back to myself?
• Do I listen and respond to connect – or wait impatiently for my turn to speak?
• Do I tend to dominate interpersonal interactions?

If it seems like you’ve unintentionally become a boomerasker, keep reading – the next section is for you!

Kick the habit

The good news? Boomerasking is extremely fixable – and easier to unwind than most social habits. Here’s how to go about it:

1. Own it.

Simply being aware of the pattern can help you break it. Most of us don’t even notice we’re answering our own questions until someone points it out. So next time, pay attention to what happens after you ask a question.

2. Know the pros & cons.

Motivate self-growth by reflecting on the cost of keeping up this habit – frayed relationships, narrow perspectives and reputational damage. Also be clear on the benefits of change – stronger collaborations, deeper learning and increased likability. As Brooks suggest: Think about what you are not doing when you turn the conversation so quickly back to yourself.

3. Always respond.

Put the boomerang down and take the time to acknowledge the other person. Showing interest isn’t rocket science! All it takes is a validating nod or word, a follow-up question, or even a simple “That sounds interesting, tell me more.”

4. Ask what you can’t answer.

Brooks suggests a clever workaround for serial boomeraskers. Ask people about things outside your own experience. No siblings? Ask about theirs. Not a gardener? Ask about their tomatoes. The lack of a personal stake buys you space to actually listen – without the temptation to take over.

5. Be direct about sharing.

If you want to talk about your own experience, don’t wrap it inside a fake question. Be straightforward. Research shows that people strongly prefer when you just say the thing outright.

Small shifts, big benefits

Every boomerask is a missed opportunity – to strengthen rapport, deepen trust or learn something useful. When we grab the conversational spotlight too quickly, we lose those benefits and come off as egocentric and socially inept.

The solution isn’t dramatic. It’s one more beat. One moment of genuine curiosity. One simple acknowledgement.

Tiny shifts, but they change everything. Instead of an excuse for a monologue, your question becomes the launchpad for a real, reciprocal conversation – the lifeblood of any meaningful relationship, professional or otherwise.

So, the next time you ask a question…are you listening? Or just waiting for your turn?